Little Thoughts

2005-10-12T11:16:00.000-05:00

Do you remember when you first learned to write? That blissful moment when you wrote your first sentence? Okay so, 'love' isn't spelled with a U and 'you' isn't spelled with two O's. But hey! You used letters to at least TRY and say something! Certainly better than nothing right?

You were growing up, doing something big kids do. But then how many people remember theirs first steps? Or their first word? The first time they got dressed all on their own? (So what if your shirt was on inside out and backwards!) But at that moment, weren't you proud? Don't you think that sweet little heart all children have swelled with pride? You were growing up! What an amazing thing! You were getting to be a big kid!

How magical it is to watch children grow. To remember being that small. (Even though I KNOW I my feet were never that small lol) To see their faces light up when their efforts are recognized! That wonderful recognition! I'm here, I'm real, someone's paying attention to me! I'm a person too!

Isn't that what all children want? To grow into someone that gets NOTICED? Think of everything you go through growing up. It's all to be noticed. Whether it's conscious or not, that's exactly what it is. Even the people that retreat are trying to be noticed. All anyone wants, especially when you're that young, is to be noticed. To have someone confirm that yes, they hear you, that yes, they see you. All you ever really want, is to be believed in. No matter how small that belief is. You just want to be recognized.

My Artwork

2005-09-30T19:36:00.000-05:00

2005-09-29T22:30:00.000-05:00

See how creative I get in my spare time? lol

Yes, I took that picture, and yes I did the editing. ;op I'm so smart! lol

2005-09-26T16:54:00.000-05:00

lol Love it

blah

2005-09-21T00:24:00.000-05:00

blaaaahhhhhh lol

Seasons and Birthdays

2005-09-09T12:08:00.000-05:00

I don't really know what I'm thinking. Have you ever felt that? That dull mix of emotions where nothing seems to stand out? You're not stressed, or worried, or happy, or bored, or excited, or anything. You're just... there... That's how I feel right now. I'm just... here.

I feel this quiet vibration inside me. It's like my soul is shaking. I know that doesn't make the best sense to everyone or anyone, really. But it's like my energy is vibrating. I can't really describe it any other way. If I could see it I'd imagine it looks like electricity. Arcing and twitching, never staying still for more than a split second. Too nervous or excited or maybe it's just hyper. It's a very peaceful feeling though. Even though I'm not intending to, I know I have this small contented smile. I feel like a cat laying in the summer's hot sun. Relaxed, content, lazy.

I'm really very sad that summer is pretty much over here. The trees are tinged yellow and the nights have a nipping cold to them. Even the breeze in the daytime, even if it's 80 degrees, feels too cold for comfort. In a month the temperature will have dramatically dropped. The trees will be almost bare, their tanned skin showing quite shamefully in the cool fall sunlight. Before my birthday snow will fall, maybe enough to cover the ground, maybe it won't stay at all, melting on contact with the warm earth. I won't dream of leaving the house without a jacket at least. Probably a scarf and coat by my birthday.

I remember my sweet sixteen. It snowed and snowed. It was perfect. I got what I wanted. A world wrapped tightly in a thick layer of white. I'd had my hair braided tight the night before so that it was a mess of waves, catching the snowflakes. Running up to my friend's house to get her, leaving deep tracks in the snow. God, she fussed about it lol... Then after getting inside to where we were having dinner, the snow melting in my hair and on my coat. That cold damp feeling I hate lol... I loved watching my family. Laughing, actually having fun. No arguments, no one drinking too much, no uncomfortable moments. Everyone just enjoying themselves. Before my aunt and uncle divorced, before Martha started dating a guy I'm actually afraid of, before my world cracked a little more.

There are only two birthday's I really loved. One was my fourth birthday. I saw everyone in my family, and since this was before money was such an issue in my family, my parents took me to Florida, to meet of course, Mickey Mouse lol... I don't even remember that lol I remember going there, but not that part. The other was my sixteenth. Because for the first time in a very long time, I was really happy. I felt like I had family here. I had a home without wheels, my family wasn't fighting, and the snow was falling in giant white flakes from a black sky. It was something I hadn't expected. I remember I hadn't been excited. I had been worried. Who would get drunk, who would pick a fight, who would say something that set that horrible uncomfortable mood because what they had said was a bitter truth everyone was trying to ignore.

Maybe that's why I hate winters. When someone says something that makes you really want to escape and you can't just step outside. In spring, summer, fall I can just stand outside and breathe. I don't have to fuss with pulling on shoes and a jacket to run away. I can just run.

Oh well. I'm not happy fall is here because that means winter is right behind it. We have such short falls here. Really we do. You blink and you miss it. Kind of like life. Blink and a year has gone by.

I hope I don't blink.

Link

2005-09-02T10:39:00.000-05:00

I'll put this in here even if I have only three readers lol Oh well, I get browsers too. Besides this is worth looking at. It's lovely. Make sure to read about it, I don't think it's as amazing if you don't read about it. Like my grandfather said, "If you want to learn read the god damn book!" Yeah... He was... colorful lol

LYMPH

Patience

2005-08-31T11:06:00.000-05:00

"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end."
--Margaret Thatcher

Right now I'm sitting in my dad's office, listening to him talk to a customer. Normally my father is very patient and understanding. But right now I'm reminded just how patient he is. The man he's talking to has... problems. From how he talks, and my experience with it, he's autistic. I say this because my cousin is autistic. I'm in no way saying any less of him for claiming the obvious.

But back to the point. For those of you that don't know much about autism, it's hard to communicate, and understand what's being said to you. This man wants a fireplace, very badly lol... And he's made it clear what he wants, and dad's very patiently explaining what needs to be done, the information he'll need to install it, how much it will cost. He's had to repeat himself a lot, talking rather slowly and clearly, but he's being very gentle because it's very frustrating for people with autism to communicate with others. Ronnie, my cousin, gets very angry sometimes when you can't understand him. I've spent lots of time going over his homework with him, or working with him on words so other people can understand him better. It's just the basics to me but to him it's such a challenge.

I'm surprised slightly by dad's tenderness. But at the same time I wouldn't expect less. That's my father's heart. Even if there are times I want to strangle him and can't stand being in the same room, I know my father is a good man. And I haven't forgotten what a good father he's been to me. He was always tender with me when I was little. Oh he'd get frustrated when I couldn't understand something he was trying to explain to me. (Which is why mom taught me to ride a bike lol) But he was never mean or insensitive.

I think I've forgotten that lately. That the protectiveness he's now showing is only a different form of that tenderness he gave me when I was little. We've both changed a lot. I've gotten to be more independent (and stubborn lol) and I'm trying to struggle up on to my own feet. I wonder if maybe the fear and protectiveness he's showing now was the same when I was learning to walk. He was afraid I'd fall, that I'd get scratched and bruised, but at the same time he knew I had to, I had to learn. I wonder if now it isn't just that same internal fight he had then, only magnified. I wonder if I've lost patience with him.

We don't talk much anymore. There's no safe subject really. The weather, mom, gas prices lol... That's about all we can talk about without getting into a fight. Is that normal I wonder? To fight with your parent so much in this time of your life? Is it normal to lose all understanding of each other? Dad's fifty years old, and I'm turning eighteen soon. Is it normal to be so... misunderstood at these points in life? Will it ever ease up? Do you bring it up and rip it to pieces, or stand back and wait for things to change? And then what if they don't change? Do you say, "Oh well, too bad"? And what if you don't realize it won't change without work until it's too late to work on it? My mom didn't heal anything with her father until he was laying on his deathbed. I don't want that to be me. I don't want that to be my relationship with my father.

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake."
--Victor Hugo

Complicated

2005-08-29T14:36:00.000-05:00

Being young. Wow. No one tells you how simple you have it, until it's no longer simple. And it's so short! It's not fair that the what should be the most innocent time of your life is so short. And as complicated as things feel now, I know the older I get the more complicated it will be.

I think about my life now. Studying for a GED, writing, trying to keep up connections between family and friends, working. That's so... simple. From here on out though it's just going to get tougher. College, marriage, kids, worrying over my kids for the rest of my life. And I realize how much harder it's going to get as they grow up. At first you deal with the little everyday child problems. He pushed me, I want that for my birthday, mommy leave the light on, ect ect... The simple things you asked for when you were their age.

Then school starts and everything gets harder still. You have to deal with their rejections and fights just like they were your own, no matter how petty they might be. And of course, their problems and fights get more complicated and less petty. Especially once dating is involved. Because now (I say now because all I know is now lol) dating isn't just a heartache thing. It could actually end up killing you. With STDs and teenagers having sex younger and younger and not being properly educated not only in protection but in the emotional repercussions. And let's not even go into the worries about college lol There are just too damn many lol

Then they get married and you have the same worries over their marriage that you had when you got married. Only this time you think you can change things so you give advice, maybe too much advice lol... And then they have kids, oh god... Now you're not just worrying about them, you're worrying about your grandkids, and the cycle starts all over again.

And of course these are just the worries outside of your everyday life! I haven't even mentioned jobs, bills, fights with your spouse, the neighbors, the neighbors dog that goes off at 3AM and the lawn that needs to be mowed, what you're making for breakfast/lunch/dinner, every single thing that ends in practice your child has, and the garage that desperately needs to be organized. Those are just the everyday things.

Really makes you want to just take a nice long bath and forget about the future.

::sigh::

Too damn complicated.

It is better...

2005-08-26T19:42:00.000-05:00

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."
--Cyril Connolly

somewhere i have never travelled

2005-08-26T13:20:00.000-05:00

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

-- e. e. cummings

Faith

2005-08-25T16:52:00.000-05:00

Maybe life isn't supposed to be simple. Maybe the idea that everything comes to those who wait is just a lie. Nothing can be that simple can it? I mean, you have to work, you have to sweat, you have to bleed and cry into everything you do for it to truly be something great, right?

What's sweet without sour? What's heaven if you haven't felt hell? How can you appreciate the good when you haven't suffered through the bad?

When I was nine-years-old I went through my first suicidal episode. I had sat down and held a razor to my wrist. Partly I blame the drugs the doctors had put me on for my asthma, partly I blame my situation in life at the time, but I blame myself most of all. There's a time in life when you look at yourself in the mirror and choose who you are, what you can live with and what you can't. There's a time when you either consciously or subconsciously decide who you will be for the rest of your life. And I was struggling, silently through that choice. I'm sure some would say it can't possibly be a choice you make that young and I have to say that the people saying that are incredibly naive. I believe some people make that choice even younger, and they continue to make that choice until they cannot turn back.

I had a choice. To keep my life, or to slice my wrist. To talk, or to remain in silence. To trust, or continue to hurt alone. To turn to my God, or to continue to lack in faith. I didn't know it at the time but I now realize I was being tested. And I was very weak. I do believe God let me go through what I did to strengthen my faith, because I was desperately lacking. People who know me now probably wouldn't believe that. They probably wouldn't believe there was a time when I thought that my life was so insignificant that my own parents wouldn't care if I lived or died. That there was a time when smiling was an effort of massive proportions. That there was a time when me laughing was rare. Who could or would for that matter imagine that the girl who's been accused of smiling as much as the Joker from Batman and laughing more than a hyena would have been living a life dead.

When I see pictures of me from back then I shudder. I haven't only changed a lot physically, but mentally. I looked so cold, so unhappy, so lifeless. Thinking of it now that must be why I hated having my picture taken. Because I must have seen, subconsciously at least, what I was; living yet dead.

I know that has to sound dark, but depression, what I believe is the lack of faith. If you truly believe in God you won't feel like your life means nothing, you won't feel like everything bad that happens to you is a punishment. I know that because since I discovered my faith in God, I haven't experienced that. I feel that everything is a lesson for me, I feel that my life is worth while, that I am part of God's plan, even if I may never see that part of His plan completed in my life. I know I am blessed, I know I am God's child.

I hope that my experiences with suicide/depression will help someone someday. I hope that I can give advice, and that I can bring people closer to God. I hope that I will have the wisdom to know what to do if I'm faced with that situation.

First Entry

2005-08-20T14:11:00.000-05:00

This is my first post. Well duh lol

Felt like trying something new, well... this is new. Curious what I should start with. Telling you about me seems pointless since I'm going to fill that out in the "about me" part lol... But telling you about things that I haven't filled in seems pointless too. Maybe I should put in somet thoughts, those brilliant little moments I get. Okay, well they're brilliant to me but I'm a blonde for heaven's sake, any moment of thought seems brilliant, lol...

So here I am, writing about not thinking of anything to write and feeling quite honestly like a moron for starting this lol I know I'll get my inspiration to write something later. And maybe I showed who I am already, in a smartass entry lol